Today is our 5th wedding anniversary, yey. It sometimes feels as if it has been longer, mainly because of all the up’s and down’s we have been through. From being long distance for 2 years, to being jobless, to relocating, and having a baby in the midst of this. It has really been a whirlwind for us.
I wish I can say that love has conquered all the challenges and since we have always had each other it has been easy, but like everyone knows, it’s not that simple. There have been a lot of tears, both tears of joy and tears of sadness, there have been a lot of good bye’s both between my husband and I and between us and our loved ones, there has been a lot of calculations – of time difference, of different currencies, there have been a lot of sacrifices, a lot of compromise, a lot of butting heads, a lot of patience, a lot of laughter.
I know to a lot of people 5 yrs is still a young marriage, but you don’t make it 5 yrs without learning a few things, a few coping mechanisms.
I asked my husband:
‘’since we are coming up on our 5 year anniversary, what would you advise a young couple that is about to get married’’, he said ‘’life is unpredictable – you lose your job in the morning, you find out your wife is pregnant at lunch time and your house burns down in the evening, if you are prepared for that, then you will never be disappointed.’’ LOL that’s him, the ever pessimist. He has always been the ‘if you don’t expect too much you will not be disappointed’’ kind of guy and I am the ’’everything happens for a reason’’ kind of girl.
It is really difficult to compress everything into just 5 lessons but I will try, here go my 5 lessons’
Lesson 5: His not thinking about anything – you know how his staring into an empty space, you can tell his mind is far away, you worry his stressed out about something, you console him in your head how everything will be ok, and you finally decide to break his thoughts by asking him what’s wrong, it always makes you feel much better to talk about stuff and you’re sure it will do the same for him. So you ask him, ‘hey babe, what’s wrong? What are you thinking about? And he turns to you and says, do you think the wire connected to the computer can reach that window?? You are upset because you were so ready for a deep, real, open discussion about feelings and fears, and his thinking about wiring – that’s just how it is, men and women are different like that and most times when he looks like his so deep in thought, his really not thinking about anything.
Lesson 4: Every man has a vice – in this instance am referring to both male and female, I think we concentrate so much on what we are looking for in a partner sometimes that we forget to consider what we are willing to tolerate and accept. No human being is perfect, you are not perfect. So I think when working on your list of what your looking for you need to have a column of what is a complete ‘no-no’ and what in terms of weakness or flaws are you willing to put up with. I have had friends tell me that they love their partner, spouse but if only they could change this one aspect they would be perfect, accept early that it won’t change and decide if it’s a game changer or if you are willing to accept it, realize that their aspects of you this person has to also accept.
Lesson 3: Kids change your relationship – after having the baby, I was so worried about how to balance things, you know how we are told that men get jealous of the baby, and you need to keep the fire burning, you need to have date nights so you can reconnect and on date nights don’t talk about the baby. Well, all this stuff was going on in my mind when I just had the baby. After a while I realized I was the only one stressing and my husband was enjoying the parenting experience and I wasn’t. After that I decided to just sit back and enjoy the ride, and what I learned is, off course a newborn will turn your life upside down, they will require all your time, energy and effort and that’s ok, but with time it balances out. You will never be just the two of you (the couple) again, but you have created something beautiful and amazing together and for that you will always respect each other.
Lesson 2: Fights are contagious – it starts out like this, you talk to your friend, sister, cousin or whoever, she tells you about how her man did this stupid thing and she was so mad that they had a fight, she continues to tell you what he said his reason for doing what he did was and it was just as stupid as what he did. So you talk about it and she feels better because she talked to you. Later on that day, you and your husband, boyfriend are talking and somehow the topic of your friends boyfriend comes up and you explain the stupid thing that he did, so your husband or boyfriend says that’s not stupid and proceeds to give the same stupid explanation. What happens next, the two of you are now fighting, lesson – don’t talk about your friend’s relationship drama with your man, and if it has to come up, be prepared that it could turn into a fight and diffuse it before it does
Lesson 1: Never discuss anything in the Mornings – women are emotional beings, this extends to our dreams. It happens to me all the time, I would have a dream or lose sleep at night and start thinking about stuff and when I wake up in the morning first thing I do is lay down the new law, sound familiar?
I used to do this all the time, wake up upset about something and wake my husband up with those infamous words ‘we need to talk’, I was not aware of this until he pointed it out. I later learned that women’s dreams are very emotional and this extends to our night thoughts. Lesson, if it’s that important in the morning, it will still be important at noon, this also extends to talking about serious stuff as soon as you get home from work. It is usually the worst time since you are both tired and need to decompress from the day before you have to talk about monies due, or anything that needs discussion and decision.
Above all always remember to laugh, it’s truly is the best medicine, laugh at yourself, at your man, at your problems, at your kids, at your triumphs. Marriage is not a bed of roses it’s ever changing, you are not the same people you were when you met and that is expected. I still have a lot lessons to learn, and some of the ones I have learned I still need to really accept. But I hope my lessons help someone realize I am not alone, or just give you an ah-ha moment.